Needs in time of grief

I attend grief support group regularly at The Healing Center. The primary benefit is being able to sit in a circle for an hour and a half with people who have been through a loss experience (loss of a loved one) and do two simple things - tell your story, and listen to theirs. It's not therapy - for that I see a therapist. For me, the value of being around people who have suffered a similar loss is huge - because they get it in a way others don't. They understand the depth of pain, the loneliness, the brain fog, the despair, the inability to function, the missing of touch, the loss of shared moments, and the challenges of building life anew.

Each person's story is different, and the process each is going through unique. But there are always points of commonality, and the opportunity to bear silent witness to the other person's struggle is a gift. My own healing progresses when I get out of my own head and am empathetic to others, and learn practical things about how they are coping or simply hearing about their struggle makes my own somehow more bearable.

Everyone has different economic circumstances and worries, family and friend support structures, and personalities and coping and functional skills. The Healing Center does provide an avenue for emotional support and a community of kind, caring, like-minded individuals. But what doesn't exist is a place someone in profound loss can go to navigate the challenges of life without your loved one - advice, counsel, and direction for overall wellness, nutrition, exercise, stress reduction, parenting help, financial planning, care and comfort, meals and household help (cleaning, organizing), gardening, etc. What seemed doable when you had a life partner seems daunting and impossible when you are alone and in grief. Many faith traditions provide a community of support and care teams to help those who are members of that community, but when you are not a part of such a community where do you go for help?

What I've learned is that what seems like an easy task to someone on the outside - such as cleaning your home - can be a huge challenge to someone in the throes of grief, enough to send them to the floor in despair.

Meagan Memorial

I went on an 8 day retreat last Fall that was all about grief, loss, recovery, and learning tools and skills to help cope. One of the conclusions I came to was that I wanted a special place to remember and honor Meagan. Although I have a special place for her cremated remains in our home, it does not work as a safe, contained space where one can grieve. Cemeteries serve that purpose well, and after lots of looking and thinking I secured a lovely cremation burial plot at Lake View Cemetery on Capitol Hill here in Seattle. It looks east, with views of the Cascades, Mt. Baker, and our home in Laurelhurst.

But how to mark the spot? Fortunately I came across an artist and designer of monuments who works in fused glass. We have come up with a fantastic design for a monument which is unique and quite fitting for Meagan. It won't be finished until probably around May. I'l have it installed, then a simple ceremony to inter her ashes at the site. I'll definitely let everyone know when it's complete, and will do a party to celebrate. But I'll not provide any directions to the actual location of the burial plot. The monument itself will be quite distinctive and anyone going to the cemetery will be able to find it quite easily if they know anything at all about Meagan.

I'll write more later about the importance of ritual in my grief process. Especially for guys, physical acts are important. I do grief support and group therapy. But it's not for every guy. I'm looking forward to the ritual of visiting her gravesite, and remembering her, honoring her, and grieving.