I'm too analytical - working on that. Trying to develop my emotional and spiritual aspects, letting them come out and play more often, and quietly nurturing them. But a while ago (emphasis on AGO) I came up with an analytical framework for understanding what I lost through Meagan's death. And what I was angry about. What made life so hard and difficult now.
First, I (all of us really) lost an amazing woman. Wife and mother, friend and confidant - just gone. A terrible loss. That void is noticed by the universe, her friends and family. Her unique perspective, her joie de vivre is just gone. It's a terrible loss.
Secondly, I lost my partner. Someone who I built a life with, and who was an integral part of my life, who helped shape and mould me. In talking with many who lost a loved one - one of the most profound issues is loneliness. And missing that simplest and most poignant of things - to be held. When you lose your partner, from whatever cause, you are now alone, and that loss of touch and communication and support is gone. It made me angry and sad.
Third, building a new life is hard. Solo parenting is hard. Keeping the house together is hard. Being single in a couples world is hard. Cooking and grocery shopping is hard. Cleaning and organizing and paying bills is hard. Holidays are hard. Navigating new relationships is hard. Focusing is hard. Being alone is super hard. Experiencing new feelings like grief is super duper hard.
You have to have stamina and perseverance, and just keep plodding. Yes, there are moments of gratitude and grace and kindness from others. But there was too much alone time, too many nights wallowing in the pain of loneliness and grief, when I realized that the course of my life, not just Meagan's, was irrevocably altered, and for the time being at least, much, much harder.
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